Dealing with the Monster Inside the Boy

We are 19 days into the school year, which means . . . only 161 more days to go! This is comparable to jumping for joy at crossing the first mile marker in a half-marathon race.

What's worse is realizing three days into the school year that things would have to change for our family to survive the year with our sanity intact.

Our oldest started attending school this year after being homeschooled for the past eight years. Junior high students are a different breed to start with. Add a lack of sleep, seven hours of classes, and a mound of homework and you're left with a Destroyer-of-All-Happiness Monster of epic proportions, leaving a path of misery and confusion in its wake.

Here is an example of an interaction with this monster, first thing in the morning . . .

Mom: "Good morning! How did you sleep?"

Monster: "Ungh"

Mom: "I made you some eggs & toast."

Monster: (sullen death stare)

After school . . .

Mom: "Hey! How was school today?"

Monster: "Why didn't you get here earlier?!"

Mom: "I've been creeping along in the pick-up lane for the past 20 minutes. Do you have much homework?"

Monster: "Yes! And it's all your fault! Arrggh!" (I'm not sure why the monster just became a pirate all of a sudden.)

At home . . .

Mom: "Don't forget to empty your half of the dishwasher & make your lunch."

Monster: "I have to do everything around here! Why do you guys hate me?!"

The weekends were worse. He would fly off the handle when asked to come to the table for dinner, yell at his brother for not having homework, and push us away when we tried to hug him.

I'm supposed to be the adult here, right? So I tried gentle correction, knowing this was a big transition for him. I tried discipline, stern talking-tos, and solitary confinement. Finally, we had all had enough. (I mentioned this was only after three days of school, right? Apparently our tolerance for sanity-sapping behavior was not very high.)

I remembered that as a child, he was difficult to discipline. I would send him to his room for a time-out. When I came to rescue him from his punishment, he would say, "I'm glad I got a time-out since it gave me some time to think of a new story." I took favorite toys away for a time, but he would tell me later, "I'm glad you took that toy away. I forgot how many other great toys I have." I denied him treats. He would tell me, "I don't think dessert is very good for me anyway."

He only seems to respond to challenges followed by rewards for meeting the challenge. The more we expect of him, the more he rises to the challenge. Often meeting the challenge was enough of a reward. Unfortunately, this kind of discipline takes a lot of thinking on my part. It's only effective if I take the time to notice when he makes any kind of improvement and praise him for it.

So my husband and I sat down and decided on six behaviors we wanted to see each day. Each positive behavior earns 15 minutes of screen time.

1. Devotions--This can be from a devotional book or a chapter read from the Bible and applied to life. It includes two different prayer times throughout the day. Yes, we want our kids to develop the habit of spending time with God everyday. (He's certainly the only reason I'm ever able to do the right thing and have a good attitude about life.)

2. Get up and get yourself and your lunch ready for school by 7:15. This gives me time to make him breakfast and put a smile on before he comes to the table. I try to be a light at the beginning of a possibly difficult rest of the day.

3. Do your homework. We have added "accept/ask for help." My junior-higher thinks he knows everything about everything. (I'm sure he's the only one, right?) We explained that sometimes we know how he can do homework or study in a more effective way. He needs to at least listen and consider suggestions. Also, he would never ask his teachers for help. I think he thought he would get in trouble.

4. Fix your entire lunch the night before (by 8pm). That deadline is for my benefit. My mornings run much more smoothly when the kitchen is already clean. So I don't want to clean up the kitchen after my batteries have completely run out for the day, which is around 8pm.

5. Be in bed by 9 pm. Lights out by 9:30. Electronics wind my kids up. They need time to wind down before they can fall asleep. They can read in bed until lights out. This is also a great time to do their devotions if they haven't had time yet that day.

6. Work it out/overlook an offense/get help in dealing with my brother. Treat Mom and Dad with respect. If you're looking for help with sibling rivalry and endless fighting, check out the book, The Young Peacemaker by Corlette Sande. We're only two lessons in and I've already noticed a huge difference.

The Destroyer-of-All-Happiness Monster has gone back to his cave, only to blow smoke out of his formerly fire-breathing mouth every now and then. My boys are striving to be the godly men they were created to be, doing "the good things He planned for us long ago." Ephesians 2:10 (NLT)