Candy Corn Holiday

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Today is National Candy Corn Day. It says so on the internet; therefore, it must be true.

According to the National Confectioners Association (I love that this association exists–candy lovers unite!), an estimated 20 million pounds of those tiny tricolored kernels are sold each year. Granted, someone with no self-control could eat an entire bag of the maple-flavored goodness in one sitting (not me, of course), but 20 million pounds of it per year?

I hope they’re not counting those variety packages with the chocolate candy corn and the pumpkins. If the only chocolate that existed in the world was the chocolate in chocolate candy corn, I would swear off chocolate forever … and that would be heartbreaking. Chocolate should be creamy deliciousness, not sugar-flavored brown imitation candy.

The pumpkins might be worse. They look so cute in the package with their little green stems, but every time I give in and eat one, I regret it. Remember those wax bottles filled with juice-flavored liquid–Nik-L-Nip Wax Bottles? I loved to drink those when I was a kid, but never chewed the wax. I didn’t understand why people did. It has no taste and becomes a gooey mess in your mouth. That’s what I think of whenever I eat the pumpkins. They don’t have much taste. They’re just orange and green-colored wax. No, thanks. Would you chew the wax the orthodontist provides to protect your mouth from sharp braces? I suppose those who eat wax bottles for fun are the same people who chew on the ends of straws, dripping their drool all over unsuspecting bystanders.

Enjoy your candy corn with no guilt today! The more you eat, the more patriotic you are–supporting a national association and all. I imagine the calories from 20 million pounds of candy corn don’t even count today. Just please do me a favor … stay away from the chocolate candy corn and pumpkins. You’ll thank me later.

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